Pants 0. Shit 1.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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