Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
