if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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