Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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