She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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