I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
