how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
