He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
