You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You can't special order awesome
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
