I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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