On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
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That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
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I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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