i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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