You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
