she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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