When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
