Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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