Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
