Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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