I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
