The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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