Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
