I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
