Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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