the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
