and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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