My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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