I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
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