My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
