You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
