Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
