Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
