I am in a vortex of obligation.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
