i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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