my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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