Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
