My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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