Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
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