One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
