My liver just broke up with me...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
In other news, I just burned my penis
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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