Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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