don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I supernannyed him into submission
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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