I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
