Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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