did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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