I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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