I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
