Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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