what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
