If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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