Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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