One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
