If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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