yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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