laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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