Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
