In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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