Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
