it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
