I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It's official drugs can't kill me
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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