either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
