I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
