Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
